I feel a little relieved and a little worried about what the GP said. I think it’s important for me to internalise from the beginning of this endeavour that I do not have generalised anxiety, or any more social anxiety than your average person. I am more confident than many of the people I know and I do not have anxiety about things that others might do. My anxiety (don’t like using the word – I feel too tumblr) has to do only with the way I learnt from my parents to cope with things. Everything else about me is perfectly fine. Their method of coping with tasks and the world, and thinking about and reacting to the world is not conducive to a healthy, happy life for me and my brother, in the modern world, and with our complex minds. They are not happy, anyway. The strategy obviously doesn’t work but they’ve pulled it through their whole lives, anyway (has worked well foe certain things but certainly not for many, many others) – the same strategy that I have internalised and unconsciously followed. I’ve been struggling for a few years now, but not acutely enough for it to be realised. I am now at a tipping point because I recently have been having a lot of trouble in everyday life (low mood, irritability, FRUSTRATION, existential thinking, more frustration) and now it has finally been picked up. Now I have a better chance at beating it because I know more what I’m actually dealing with rather than just general life difficulty on a daily basis. I can focus in it, try to elucidate the details and properly help myself (with the serious help of others who know what to do, or who can guide me, rather than half-hearted attempts) and improve my life before the stresses of real life start to make it harder to focus on myself in this way. I am still young, I am still at uni, my body functions perfectly, my mind is incredibly valuable and amazing, I have solid friends and also a good mix of new friends, a multitude of opportunities and now also the self awareness to help myself. I could not be in a better position. 

It is going to be difficult, probably. However, I am very interested in doing this properly and I have the help of professionals, as well as my own critical thinking skills (and acute instinct towards looking after myself) to protect me from anything that isn’t right/good.

Main point: it is a localised problem with my own technique for living (picked up from parents) which affects my life broadly, but is fine because I now can learn for myself. 

I also now know my tendency towards self improvement has to do with this. I’ve been trying (and succeeding) to learn to experience life on my own terms better. 

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Growing pains

In an immediate sense you need me to run through things you need to do in the day, and whether you’re prepared. Ideally I’d think everything through for you and tell you at the door that you’ve forgotten to make sandwiches and also bus money. However, I’m refusing to do that.
It may be a harder experience for you, but I am not willing to take on this role for you. It is not fair on me, and it is not what you need. You need to do it yourself: make the mistakes that will make you remember to do it right next time. These growing pains are healthy for you. 

 

I avoided it today

I kept it to the topic I was asking about

I did not take your bait

I did not accept your mood

I did not retaliate

I stayed at my original question

Abd watched you try all your tricks

To try to get me involved

I can see through you now.

I choose not to partake. 
My goodness, did you kick up a fuss. 

Rob

Rob ended the way he was always going to end

He was not strong or substantial enough to be brave

His love for me became jealous

And resentful

And in the end, he acted cruelly 
I can’t say I blame him

There was no other path

But I am not to blame for this

I do not deserve to be treated in such a way.

And after the way he treated me,

I do not see a reason to forgive him.
I cannot help the way things turned out

I was just growing