State of mind

I’ve been coming to realise recently that my thoughts and activities depend on my state of mind and mood. It is nearly impossible to do certain things without being in the right psychological place to do so.

It is possible to create a space to drift into a certain mood. 

The only thing is consciously realising that I need to be in a different state of mind to do something. 

 thoughts from last night 

I feel very much myself when I go out on evening endeavours with particular people and friendship groups. During summer there has been such an event three or four times a week. I hope not to lose this sense of the night being young, and the immediate future seeming full and rich. I feel that wherever the night takes me I will be happy with. I feel just the right amount of control. I am worried that when I start working full time these nights will decrease and it will be hard to keep my spark.
So much of my time is spent up moving around the house in search of something to do. I am going to spend all day on the couch today, until evening (only moving to help with cooking and also help with housework).

Certain poetry seems to me like the lighthearted way of tackling something that one could write a heartfelt essay about. The implications can be placed in such a way that the gaps between the lines are filled in with one’s own imagination – making it a personal place you can go back to if you like.

We are an interesting generation in that we do not all assume we will probably end up having children.

Mood is so important in creativity and productivity! Take time to get into the right mood and mindset.

“comedy is the challenge to reality” what? What does it mean??? I can appreciate the example of Tom and Jerry, where Jerry gets annoyed and gets a huge hammer and hits Tom over the head with it. The challenge to reality is that you would never do that to someone in real life, but in the cartoon it is done and is very apt. Russel Howard could be said to be the challenge to reality – he makes fun of it and takes away its seriousness.

I think with my constantly lazy posture, I am always trying to use as little effort and energy as possible. Which I don’t imagine to be very good for my body – certain parts will take a large part of the strain. Also, movement habits have really set in since I’ve grown up (even in the past five years) and certain muscles are never moved or used – if in disuse the body wouldn’t put any effort in keeping them very active or strong, so they begin to decrease in strength, taking away my ability to easily get out of the habit of only using certain ones. 

 

Tiredness that spreads itself over my body and mind. A weariness that doesn’t let me put my finger on it but that also doesn’t let me forget about it. I have to build my activities around this, and reconcile the time lost that I should be putting into my project 

Creating meaning 

It is difficult. When I was younger I didn’t grasp the concept that as a person you can create something and give things valid context and meaning. Ranging from someone wearing certain clothes and making you feel a certain way, to writing a book. It is especially difficult for me to deal with blank pages in my sketch pad. Without a focus, things seem futile. The trick, I think, is to come up with a thing you’re going to draw and then start. Put the task as a thing that has meaning and your task is now to fulfil this meaning. I’m working on creating meaning in multiple parts of my life.

I think it takes a lot of personal courage and confidence in yourself, because in a way it is validating yourself. 

Impatience and bad mood

No wonder I’m sometimes so fucked up mood wise. No wonder my brother can’t cope and makes everyone’s life difficult despite our best efforts to help him. My mum comes home in a bad mood about half the time. My dad wants everything to go his way and when he doesn’t, he shouts and gets angry and curses and keeps persevering rather than compromising. My mum rushes the cooking, and the painting, and pretty much everything else. The mood lingers. 

Everyone in my family loves to make others feel small when they feel distressed. My brother does it most openly, insulting me with the things he knows will hurt the most. Going blind to morality in his actions and taking advantage of my weakness in pointing out that he is being immoral. He feeds off my retaliation, because he knows I will not be as terrible as he is. As soon as he needs something, though, he comes crawling to me (regardless what I’m doing or what mood I’m in) wanting reassurance – exactly the right things he wants to hear. If I refuse him on the grounds of something he did another time, he spits venom, plots revenge and leaves to get what he wants from someone else. 

My dad dies it more rarely, but when he shouts he really shouts, and makes whoever his attention is turned towards feel like crying. He goes beyond things that he’d say in anger: when he shouts, his words are daggers which cut straight to the core of your personhood. Maybe that’s where Alex gets it.  Afterwards he expects everything to be fine when he’s calmed down. 

My mum is profoundly impatient and feels uncomfortable most of the time when she has to do something. She wants it over with as quickly as possible, and doesn’t get stuck in because she is only superficially doing it because she wants it over with. She half-does jobs she doesn’t like. When the task doesn’t bend to her will immediately she snaps and the mood in the entire house is affected. She’s ruthless with spreading bad mood, no conscience about it. When she insults me it’s in a harmless manner and light tone, but she doesn’t listen to any justification. She just makes you feel like shit because she feels like shit.

I am probably most like my mum mood wise. I need to be careful because I find myself being impatient like her and also taking my bad mood out on my boyfriend just as she does on me.